Oh God

Look at me guys! I’m doing it again!
Well, trying to.

Those two wimpy sentences literally took me an hour to write. Mainly because i’m sober and this is way harder when i actually give a shit, and also because I’m on the internet and I spent half of that hour watching a corgi roll around on the ground. Don’t blame me for that, it’s so cute! See…

“Awwwwww!”

So yeah, this is quite possibly, maybe, probably not, a thing again! I might be writing this post because I’m a little bit bored, and I’m in a different city so I’m feeling inspired and all that shit, OR maybe my brain is actually onto something and I’m in a good enough place to pour my mental and emotional energy into something that people can tear apart and hate.

(I’m going to try to keep in the back of my mind that people might not actually tear this apart, because good self esteem is great!)

It’s been about ten months since I last wrote a post. In that ten months I moved up to the Scottish highlands and my life was consumed with work and drinking and sleeping a little bit, then more drinking and more work. So basically I’ve just been busy killing all my brain cells and trying not to fling myself into the Atlantic.
I’ve also managed to meet some incredible people, see the beauty that is the highlands, binge watch netflix blah, blah, blah.

“So is this like an re-introduction post?” You ask.
I don’t know.
I have no idea whether this will become a weekly, daily or monthly thing. Right now, it is a right now thing and that is the way it will stay, for right now.

Writing this is also terrifying. Not like “boo!” terrifying, like the kind of terrifying that grabs your throat and whispers terrible things into your ears and makes it hard to fall asleep at night. It’s like this because I have managed to meet a lot of people lately, a lot of very supportive people, the kind of people who i’m sure will read this then make sure to bring it up in day to day life just to see how much they can watch me cringe.
(please do not bring this up in public, or then i might actually fling myself into the icy waters and end it. Titanic style.)
But why would supportive people make things scary? Because supportive people have opinions, and they’re not afraid to tell me what they think or how strongly they think it. Because supportive people also care, they support and they are the people reading this, you are the supportive people reading this. I am not supportive of myself, (something I am trying to work on) so when other people support me, it freaks me out, a lot. So this is scary, this is out of my comfort zone a little bit, and i like my comfort zone, it is comfortable, and warm, and my teddy panda bear lives there.

But you know what?  F*ck it.
I’m going to try and do this, even if it’s making it hard to breathe.

I love doing little things like this, even if it is only a binge session of writing that lasts a month. It keeps me alive and focused, gives me something to think about throughout the day so i have the chance to look at the world a little bit differently. Gives me a bit of perspective and doesn’t let me fall into the routine of waking up and working and drinking and working ext…

So yeah, that’s all I have for you right now.
But maybe next week i’ll have something. Maybe this will give me something to do on the long bus trip i have to take in a couple days, or maybe this will be it for another 3 months, who knows!

The only thing I do know is that this is NOT a New years resolution. The only resolution I made is to drink more beer and less tequila.

Which is a total lie.